2017
The Villains
Our mutual friends, Samantha and Tony, once forced Sean to leave his apartment. Despite his deep commitment to isolation, he went to an incredible card party hosted by me! That’s where we met, so this is all their fault. What started as a night of cards and social coercion turned into Our Stupid Wedding. We should probably tell them about the engagement....
2018
The Replacement Date
Sean asked another girl out at one of my legendary parties, but she cancelled on him at the last minute. Tragic. To avoid going alone or wasting money on tickets, he invited me to take her spot at a Golden Knights game. Since I was in my “say yes to everything” era, I agreed. I spent most of the game asking when I got to sit in the players’ laps. I never did. I'm still kind of mad about it.
2019
The Rejection Tour
Sean asked me out, but by then I had fully embraced my party girl era. I was on a global mission to be a dumb bitch in every country while maintaining an unhealthy blood alcohol level. So naturally, I rejected him and moved to South America to slam tequila and work from my laptop. We stayed friends, but he still seems pretty salty about it.
2021
Dating by Mistake
I returned from South America for the most romantic reason imaginable: a COVID vaccine. Sean and I had kept in touch, so we started hanging out again. The world was collapsing, parties were illegal, and somehow I accidentally started dating him. At some point, I text, “Do you realize we’re dating?” and he said yes. In hindsight, this feels like a trap.
2021
All Seans Crisis
To make it official we had to tell our horrible friends, all named Sean. I made the announcement in a party invite. Despite my incredible writing style, they all thought it was a prank. One friend congratulated me on my new baby. At the party they were confronted with the truth, and every Sean had to be given a new nickname in order to prevent chaos and fights to the death.
2022
Surviving Bad Cat Jeff
We moved in together, but the house was not haunted enough and life was too joyful. With Samantha and Tony long gone, we needed a new villain. Enter Jeff, a bad cat who treats us with utter contempt and bites us at random. Our mutual hatred of Jeff strengthened our bond, as we endured her brutal attacks and tended to each other’s cat-inflicted injuries.
2023
The Diving Era
Sean gets a passport and we start vacationing because we don't feel safe at home anymore. (We have a cat.) I failed scuba class, almost drown and threw up in the ocean several times. This marks the beginning of our scuba era. We improve our scuba skills until we finally achieve peak mediocrity by becoming perfectly average divers. Sean tells all of our scuba friends that I hit him.
620 Days
Until Our Stupid Wedding